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Joe and Dave torture themselves by watching the Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon from the 90s. We find out that Sonic is a douche bag to live with and a documentary shows that he’s a douche bag to Tails. (PS, Sonic fans don’t get mad! Sit back and laugh. The bashing is all out of love, Hell I used to own velcro Sonic shoes while playing with a stuffed animal Sonic back in the day).
Oh the joys of growing up in the Y-Generation, and having a class room Valentine’s Day card exchange! Of course, if your school was anything like mine you were required to give everyone a card (no matter how much you hated them or were given the creeps by them). What was that all about? Is this elementary school communism? Luckily, when you purchased a valentine card box there was always one or two dud cards in the pack. If you had Family Matter’s valentine cards, it would be a card featuring Harriet or a NFL Trading Card pack and…well receiving this
And on that note, our goal is to take a nice look back at some of these 90’s centric cards and analyze what they really were trying to convey. So on sit back…
Crack open a drink, do as the radical purple skateboarding hippo says and
Who It’s For - The kids in class who you don’t want hating you and you may make friends with later on especially if they have a trampoline or pool.
What it really says - The slogan says ‘I know nothing about you’, but it does have the best characters of Doug on it. This balances it out to a pretty good Valentine’s Day card. Also for a card that says ‘Hold on Tight’, how come Skeeter is waving his hands like he’s on the Rocking Roller coaster and Pork chop is practically sleeping on the bike.
Who it’s For - The pre-teen ‘Mean Girl’ click in the making.
What it Really Says - On the surface it’s a sweet card about how much you care for the recipient, but that’s only if you don’t really follow Garfield. If you DO happen to follow Garfield you’d realize his relationship with Pooky is possessive and Garfield has been known for gluttony and his Dexter like remorselessness in killing.
Who it’s For - This card was for anyone in real good standing with the popular boys in the class.
What it really says - Don’t let the corny slogan and hearts throw you off here. Batman’s real message is ‘I’m willing to kick someone’s ass for you if needed’. This is the card that let you know who had your back if you had to fight someone at recess.
Who it’s For - This card was for the popular girls that you so desperately wanted to be friends with.
What it really says - “You girls are so cool, can I please please pleasssse hang out with you?” This is the type of vague compliment you’d say to someone like Kim Kardashian if you ever ran into her.
"You don’t have much else going for you, but you look Hot… Happy Valentine’s Day"
Who it’s For - Well, in this case we have to bust out the NSYNC rating scale…
Justin Timberlake - BFFS
JC - Good Friends
Joey Fatone - Friends…I guess
Lance Bass - I don’t really know who you are.
Chris Kirkpatrick - You hate this person’s guts.
What it Really Says - "Mom, NSYNC CARDS! OMG I HAVE TO HAVE THESE!" The girl who bought this clearly just wanted to buy NSYNC merchandise. I do have to give them credit for trying to work song titles from the first album into the slogans, of course the lack of a ‘God Must’ve Spent a Little More Time on You’ card and JT telling me to Giddy Up instead of the generic ‘Have a Ball’.
Who it’s for - This was the card for the kid across the room that followed you around and lent you money, but you don’t know about actually hanging out with them outside of school.
What it really says - "JERRY: Look Ramon, you’re, you’re a nice guy. But I, I actually only
have three friends. I really can’t handle any more.”
Who it’s For - This card shouldn’t be given to anyone. I mean really Star Wars, are we in the business of making cards for Ben Roethlisberger’s rape victims?
What it really says - "Please file a restraining order and start carrying mace from today on.”?
Who it’s For - This card is for the kids in class you know nothing about.
What it really says - Like the last card, but instead of rape its more stalker based. Also what is this creature on here? Is it a crocodile? A monster? A dinosaur? And why does he have a suitcase? Did he kill a hitchhiker?
Who it’s For - Uh, I don’t know.
What it really Says - I have put no effort into Valentine’s Day. In fact my mom just grabbed these at CVS on her way home while I totally spent last night playing Crash Bandicoot 2. Good thing I woke up this morning in time to put these in the envelope 10 minutes before the bus came.
Who it’s for - Anyone could receive this card, I mean how can anyone hate Pokémon?
What it really Says - This was the card that was the young male equivalent to the NSYNC Card. These cards were picked out by the kid the night before while his mom did the household shopping, 3/5 odds that the kid also finagled a pack of trading cards out of the deal as well. Also Pikachu’s card has the most energy I’ve ever seen in text form, I mean holy hell calm down Pikachu.
Who It’s For - Your Teacher…Duh.
What it really says - Most of these Valentine boxes had the one card for the teacher to receive. Hopefully she remembers this amazing card next time I fail a geography test.
Who it’s For - This was the card for that one manic-depressive friend of yours.
What it really Says - "Dear friend, I feel if I was to forget about you at any moment you’d probably harm yourself." This is for that friend with a fragile state of mind that they’ll completely break down in class an hour before school ends and has to be brought home by their parents and than shows up a day later with classroom snacks freshly baked from home to bribe everyone into excepting them again.
Who it’s For - This was the card for your good friends.
What it really says - This is a pretty good card in all honesty, it’s completely asexual enough to give to anyone and makes good use of Aladdin characters. Of course the hearts and Raja’s glaring at Carpet do make me believe there may be some carpet/tiger rule 36 action brewing. The Genie’s message, on the flipside, seems like a sweet sentiment until you realize that one of his rules was that HE CAN’T MAKE ANYONE FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU! Gee thanks Genie, you can’t help love on Valentine’s day, might as well stick with Cupid or well these guys…
Who it’s for - These cards are for everyone, but that’s only because your dad picked these up for you while grocery shopping.
What it Really Says - Your dad had to cover your ass after you sprang it on him the last minute that this was something your needed for class. As he went down the isle he spotted all the different Valentine boxes, he got overwhelmed on what is currently the popular trend so he grabbed the one with Snoopy on it… I mean everyone likes Snoopy right? Right? Also in card two Sally clearly is already showing she’s in love, so why the hell is Woodstock aiming his bow at her face?
Speaking of unqualified cupids…
Who it’s For - This was the card for your crushes best friends.
What it really says - If you read close enough it says ‘Me Find Valentine’ and not ‘Me Found Valentine’. This is Taz’s way of saying he’s not looking for a relationship, of course his arrow isn’t pointing at your either if you needed another sign that
Who it’s For - Someone You hate
What it Really Says - Look at these cards, if your supposed to be Pepper Ann than your basically being told to get out of the giver of the cards way. And what message does a bunch of cars saying ‘You always finish first’ supposed to mean? Is this the card for the Toronto Blue Jays to send to the Yankees? This was the card for sexually frustrated women to give to there boyfriends?
Or for Josh Nichols to give Mindy (Drake and Josh reference FTW)
Who it’s for - The kid in class who misses an astonishing amount of school so no ones sure they’ll even be in class to receive it.
What it really says - Look at the card, it’s a terrible slogan featuring the mom of the Dinosaurs. If there was ever a dud card this is it. Even Baby Sinclair in the photo has the look on his face of confusion of what the hell she’s talking about.
Who It’s For - Everyone
What it really Says - "My parents have completely control over what I do at all times." This kid probably wanted to get Beavis and Butthead cards, but his parents heard about how awful it is for kids on the Today Show. They have made sure this kid has a structured schedule and all the good channels have been V-Chipped. What’s most disturbing about these cards is the loving gaze going on between Tom and Jerry. Is it just me getting a vibe of a gay interspecies relationship brewing in card number 2?
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